*heads and tails*

This quarter just ended. Winter. Masters program. 2013. I haven’t written in awhile. I haven’t reflected on much lately. I haven’t had time. Rather, I haven’t made time. I just finished my last final of winter quarter and I took some time to reflect….

This quarter was very different than last. Some good. Some not. Here are some tidbits.

Yoga on Saturdays.

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Meet at least four times with professors and advisors (A+ for effort)

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Rode public transportation 3 times a week (currently on a train)

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made at least 16 granny squares….but haven’t made them into a pillow, yet

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I made friends!!

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shared lots of kisses with my love

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Found an obsession

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Spring is coming and I would like to focus on a few things including…

Work on a project with K

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Have dates with girlfriends: book clubs & craft nights

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work, create (more) and share often

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*are you there god?*

Are you there god?

It’s me…Wait this has been done before, crap.

Let’s start again with something more original,

Hi god or god like thing I don’t know what else to call you besides god, yeah, me here

I guess there are only so many ways to skin a cat or talk to god.

For the rest of the month I will take up prayer.

I am an X-Jesus freak, church attending, god lover and the only time I pray is when I pass car accidents or am getting test results back, and it sort of slips out of me, like cussing when I drop a glass on the floor.

God?  I can’t say if it is my greater self, my current self, the universe, the divine, my subjective reality or one of us (oh, bad joke). Frankly, I don’t really care at this point in the game (22 days of being a yogi, 28 years old and in Armenia). This apathy for a universal truth is fairly a-typical  to my disposition but the definition isn’t as important as the inquiry, spoken like a true Unitarian. I do long to continuously alter and understand how I define my relationship with this thing/concept and how that fits into my life (if at all) after this month.

I remember listening to some guy talk about his religious beliefs (no source info because I don’t remember who it was or where I heard this) and he was explaining his own ‘faith.’ He knows for certain that he can’t be certain about the divine or anything in the supernatural realm, but regardless, he makes a choice to believe in a god. This willful belief is constructed for the sole reason, it makes his life better to hold this belief, and to conduct his life as if there is such an entity, than where he to not “believe.” It isn’t as simple for me but I feel more comfortable thinking about our connection to the world and to each other, the force of love or the power of trust and the magnitude of the universe as my constructed god.  Heck, I like to think of religion or spirituality like a buffet table I can pick and choose how I am feeling at that moment and maybe one day I want a salad (god) and the next a jello with fruit inside (god).

Girls swirled in dresses of pink and I would braid your hair
I danced with you in the moonlight and the stars would hum a tune
My feet atop of yours, I would float on clouds and lullabies.
Pen to ink
Black on white
Red, hot, fire and screams
You threw me into the flames and I felt the world swallow me whole
The smoke choked, blinded and I lost sight of the sound
The white of fog settled and you were farther than I could see
I thought maybe you were only of a dream
Words held me in their gentle hands and I slept with the likes of men and women who had no form only text.
You couldn’t take me to the depths of the chaos, to the end of the end
I forgot

I would find you as I stumbled, lost in a dark alley,
Eyeliner, mascara and cigarettes
“My shoes are broken,” I would say
I was drunk and crying
You told me, “You don’t need them anyway”
“What do you know old man,” I would hiss my spit venom.

You would sell me candies that were hard and sour
I would work them in my mouth for hours, tonguing them passionately
They would leak syrupy honey through a small crack
The thick sweetness would coat my mouth and would begin to pour like rain from the sky and tears of a new born

Then there was nothing

You would visit me again, in music notes, sitting a rest upon a star, at the end of a river of tears you would be waiting under a tree, you liked to creep in silently like a cat and rest at my feet

I saw you again the other day,

You have changed; you looked older, kinder, and gentler than I remembered

You seem, now, to show up in the strangest of places; in the faces of people I have never met, in flowers lining the streets, in the bottom of a cup of tea, at the end of words holding on to the tails of sentences and taking a nap in the creases of books. You are much more unrestrained now than I recall, you extend like the sweet scent of lavender in the summer and I delight in simply enjoying the lingering and savoring the fleeting.

Eyes change as the years pass and mine once searched for you and now they can’t help but find you.

*Things that are dangerous…*

Living in Armenia, a country where the vodka flows like water, I have actually consumed less alcohol than any other time in my life.  There are forces that are greater than myself that prevent my copious consumptions of alcohol-these ‘forces’ look like an old toothless lady who will shame me and a young man in a leather-ish jacket who will try and be my “boyfriend”. It is incredibly looked down upon for a women to be buying and drinking alcohol-shame, shame, know your name!
Maggie, another volunteer, and I went to the beautiful city of Areni; home of peacecorps volunteers, beautiful apricot trees, and delicious homemade wine. Away from the glaring shame that is brought about through purchasing alcohol I bought some homemade booze-best decision I ever made. Here I am with the temptation to pump up the jams, put on my headphones, have a dance party, and pour another glass-occasionally, this little red heaven is dangerous.

I then thought about other things that are dangerous…

1. razors with no aloe strip
When I think about the challenges of the peacecorps I think this is the one that is most apparent-it comes in the forms of little bleeding bumps of irritation. yuck

2. really yummy alcohol
Omg, be still my heart.

3. all you can eat and depression
I just think about sitting at my host families house, awkwardly, and them shoving white bread and crap towards me and saying, EAT! So, it isn’t the ‘all you can eat’ deal at sizzlers but I imagine just as good and bad…all at the same time.

4. TV on DVD
I have a limit of how much TV shows I am able to watch. I remember my gf and I had Grey’s Anatomy on DVD and I woke up to her asleep on the couch with snacks surrounding her and her informing me she watched the whole thing in one sitting, or rather lying. All that entertainment-one little disc.

5. being a male in a society where women are oppressed
It seems like being a male in Armenia is like being in heaven; beautiful women bring you everything you need, you get the front seat, you get served first, you don’t wash your dishes or your clothes, and you get the best cut of meat and your coffee with a simple word or look. equality blah.blah.blah.

6. unlimited internet
I love you internet. Thank you for providing me with french cinema (that takes days to download), hot new songs by holy ghost, you tube videos, and facebook. Dangerous.

7. making eye contact with men in Armenia
I think that means you are vowing to be their wife, mistress, or you are a floozy.

8. putting on your make-up after a few of those yummy alcohol drinks
Uh, here is the look I am going for cute, friendly, approachable. Here is the look I get, transsexual.

9. answering the unknown phone number calling you
I have about three phone numbers in my phone…so this means I rarely answer my phone. Who knows what that number wants- in my head I think they want my social security number and soul.

10. friends with stocked fridges and cupboards
I steal. Dangerous for you-not me.

11.home appliance  aisles
I really like housewares. I think about all the smoothies, juices, pestos, cookies, cakes, espressos and ice-cream I could be making. Then I think about my simple stir fry, yogurt, salad life and it feels so gray in a world of silver.

12. self help podcasts
So, do you want to talk about limiting beliefs, being the best person you can be and EFT? COOL! I know so much. Really. No one wants to hear that stuff, guaranteed.

13. finding your way in the dark
It’s hard to see.

14. coffee made from powder
It is delicious and I am pretty sure made from all synthetic chemicals that make me want more and more and more.

15. talking to homeless
I talk to crazies too often. They tell me all sorts of things and I can’t stop talking and smiling at them.

16. dark bars and strong drinks
swoon

17. craft blogs
Craft blogs are black holes for me. I get sucked in to their beautiful world. I could look at craft blogs for days and days only pulling myself away long enough to make some powdered coffee.

18. living in a society that loves glitter
Armenia loves it. I wore brown glittery eyeshadow with pink glitter on my lips and blush that had glitter in it. Does that sound like trash? One man’s trash is another man’s Armenia!

19. eating fish in a land locked country
I wonder about these things. I am not worried enough not to eat fish but I still think about it- not for very long though.

20. spy’s
I am pretty sure that people love peeping at my hula hooping, dancing, and general exciting life from their apartment windows. I see these old ladies who just sit, watch and talk-they are everywhere!

Whale from:

*Things I have learned*

I found this list I made one year ago..

Things I have learned thus far, in life

  • Not having cable makes it better
  • Ride a bike, often
  • One change is really all it takes and sometimes all you can do
  • I will never give up coffee
  • Sometimes it really does look better in the morning
  • I will never have it figured out
  • Often I can live without it
  • Dance it off
  • Most of the time it isn’t about me
  • Do something nice for yourself…daily
  • Get crafty
  • Re-use, reduce, recycle
  • Visit your cobbler
  • Always write a thank you note
  • Hand write cards
  • I like to think about the me of tomorrow or the one I want to be, what would she do with all those dishes?
  • One project at a time
  • Leave them wanting more
  • Read, listen and do
  • Go to community art events!
  • If you don’t want to do it-maybe you should
  • You don’t have to have kids!
  • I can’t change people, ever
  • Observe without judgment
  • Some people are different than me, and that is ok
  • I might never make a granny square blanket
  • Give your stuff a home
  • Institutionalize it
  • Baby steps
  • Shop locally as often as possible
  • Experiment with food
  • Know your weakness and embrace it
  • Be your own parent

I thought this was sort of cute and then I added some more for this year

  • I will never get sick of Oldies/Motown
  • It’s ok if you don’t answer your phone sometimes or respond promptly to emails
  • Floss
  • Say yes to invites for coffee
  • Never bring a plate back empty
  • Trust it
  • Organize your life
  • go for walks
  • This is as good as it is going to get, right now
  • It’s cool to cry
  • Like the song says, let it be
  • Your family doesn’t suck as much as you think they do
  • Golden rule-always
  • Keep it simple
  • You can have kids!
  • This is who you are
  • Schedule important things in your life, write em down
  • Don’t second guess yourself
  • Make your bed

Warning if you listen to this song-you will fall in love with it and you will have to listen to it over and over, this I promise.